


Turkey Drop

by flannery_culp



Series: I Don't Dance [2]
Category: High School Musical (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Awkward Thanksgiving Dinner, College, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-05-17 07:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5859712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannery_culp/pseuds/flannery_culp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since Ryan started college in New York, Chad has felt like they're drifting apart. After realizing that things aren't going to work out, he decides to break up with him over Thanksgiving. But plans get complicated, and then things just don't go according to plan. Chad isn't sure if he can break up with Ryan after all, or if he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chad woke up to the sound of his phone. His mind still foggy with sleep, he tried to hit snooze, then realized that it wasn't his alarm at all, but a phone call. He held his phone out at arms length, trying to get his eyes to focus on the name on the screen. It was Ryan.

He looked across the room at Jake, who had woken up but was trying very hard to pretend he hadn't. God, Chad had been lucky in the roommate draw. Jake deserved a cake or something for how much he put up with. "Sorry," Chad whispered. He answered the call, but he didn't speak until he was out in the hallway, the door closed behind him. "Hey, is everything okay?" asked.

"Hey," Ryan said. He sounded chipper. "Everything is great, how are you?"

"Dude, it's like five thirty in the morning," Chad said. "I thought there was an emergency or something."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry," Ryan said. "I totally forgot about the time difference. Go back to bed, you can call me later, it's not time sensitive or anything."

"No, I'm awake now, it's fine," Chad said. It was good to hear Ryan's voice. Between the time difference and their schedules, they had barely talked lately. He walked down the hall to the stair well, and closed the fire door behind him. The walls in this dorm were paper thin, and Chad had quickly discovered that this was the only place to talk on the phone without someone getting irritated with you. "What's up?"

"So I had an idea," Ryan said.

"Okay," Chad said. "I'm listening." The door opened, and a girl walked into the stairwell. She was dressed in work out gear, and she gave Chad a once over, clearly judging his pajama pants. He gave her a sheepish smile, and she continued down the stairs.

"I know things have been hard schedule-wise lately," he said. "Especially on my end. And I feel really bad about that. So in order to make it up to you... How would you feel about an all expenses paid trip to New York?" Chad couldn't help but smile at the excitement in Ryan's voice. "I'll pay for your plane ticket. You don't have to worry about lodging, obviously. And we could go out for a fancy dinner and then go see a show. Equus is playing, if you want some full frontal Daniel Radcliffe."

"Ryan," Chad said. "That's... That's too much, Ry. I want to, believe me I want to. But I can't let you do that, that's not fair." It was weird, dating someone who had so much money. Ryan always wanted to pay for things, and Chad tried not to feel too guilty about it when it came to the small stuff, because Ryan could pay for things. But every once in awhile he would want to do something big, and it made Chad feel terrible because he couldn't reciprocate.

"It's really not a big deal," Ryan said "I want to do it. Besides, it's just like if I was coming home for Columbus Day weekend, the plane is just going the other way."

"Wait," Chad said. "Columbus Day weekend?"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "That's like the only time I don't have rehearsal. You have it off, don't you?"

"Yeah," Chad said. His stomach sank. "But Troy's coming home that weekend and we already made plans." He rested his head on his free hand. "I'm so sorry, I would totally cancel but I promised and he had to rearrange a bunch of stuff-"

"It's fine," Ryan said. "Troy is important to you, you've got to see him too. I totally get it."

If it was Chad, he would have been so irritated and passive aggressive, but Ryan was completely sincere. "Look, I know Albuquerque isn't as cool as New York," he said. "But do you maybe want to come home for the weekend? Gabriella's coming too, and I know she would love to see you. I bet we could get a party together for Friday night. And I'm sure we can get some time to ourselves."

"You sure that'll be okay?" Ryan said "I don't want to intrude on your time with Troy."

"No, man, he'll totally get it," Chad said. "As long as we get in a game of one on, everything will be fine."

"That would be great, then," Ryan said. "But you've got to let me plan a special date, okay? If you can't come to New York I'm bringing New York to you."

Chad laughed. "I'll get to New York someday," he said. He looked across the stairwell. The sun had risen just high enough to start streaming through the small, grimy window.

"I'm buying a ticket right now," Ryan said. Chad could hear the keys on his computer as he typed, slow and singlehanded because he was holding the phone. Chad smiled, imagining it. It was seven thirty there. Ryan was probably already fully dressed, and fully caffeinated. He hated dining hall coffee, so he always went to a cafe bright and early. Chad knew he had a roommate, but he couldn't remember his name, and as far as Chad could tell he was never there. He certainly wasn't there right now. Lucky for him, Chad thought. Ryan was a morning person to the point that it was unbearable. He was always humming, and dancing around the room while he got dressed, and throwing open the curtains so the light would come through.

"I miss you," Chad said.

"I miss you too," Ryan said. "But only a few weeks, and then we'll be together again. In fact..." Even over the phone, Ryan insisted on the dramatic pause. There was a loud click, and Chad wondered if he had moved the phone towards the computer just so he could hear it. "I will be getting into Albuquerque at four twenty five on Friday, October tenth."

"That sounds perfect," Chad said. "Do you want me to get you at the airport?"

"I'll have Sharpay do it," Ryan said. "I should probably spend some time with her, I may as well get it over with."

"Fair enough," Chad said. "I'll talk to Troy and let you know what the plan is. Look, I'm going to go, now that I'm awake I'm starving so I've got to run to the dining hall. But we'll talk soon, okay? Maybe we can Skype later?"

"How much later is later?" Ryan said. "I've got a choreography workshop for most if the afternoon and then I promised Kelsi I would record vocals for one of her composition assignments."

"Damn it," Chad said. "Let's just talk now then. I've got class at nine, and then practice, were never going to be able to talk tonight."

"Go eat," Ryan said. "You know how you get when you don't eat. We'll figure it out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Ryan said. "I love you."

"Love you too."

"Talk to you later," he said.

"Bye." Chad hung up the phone, and rested his head against the wall. The dining hall wasn't open yet, and it wouldn't be for another hour. He wasn't sure why he had told Ryan that. He should at least go back to his room and get dressed, he thought. Or try and go back to sleep. Or do the reading for his nine am class. Or call Ryan back, and talk to him, like a good boyfriend would. There were a lot of things he should have been doing, but he couldn't bring himself to do any of them, so he decided he would wait in the stairwell until people started to use it.


	2. Chapter 2

Around one in the morning, Chad decided to give up on trying to do his reading, and go for a walk instead. Jake was already asleep, despite the fact that Chad still had his light on, so he tried to be as quiet as he could as he slipped on his shoes, grabbed his ID, and opened the door. He took the stairs down instead of the elevator, feeling a connection to them after how much time he had spent there this morning, and made his way out the back door, towards the center of campus.

University of Albuquerque didn't have a very picturesque campus for walking around. It was nothing but tall cement buildings, punctuated by a few shorter and wider cement buildings for variety. But he had grown accustomed to it, and even fond of it in a way. The drab buildings blended together to create a monotonous backdrop perfect for focusing on a problem, and the maze-like paths allowed you to never think about where you were going until you were ready to go back.

He had talked to Troy earlier about the party, texting him all through his biology class. Troy had thought it was a great idea, and Gabriella was already trying to convince Taylor to come home for the weekend. He had talked to Ryan again briefly, telling him to ask Kelsi if she was coming home and invite her if she was. He hadn't answered until much later, apologizing for being so busy and letting him know that Kelsi couldn't come.

Chad wasn't sure exactly what it was that had changed between them. Sure, they were both busy, but it wasn't just that. When the school year first started, they had managed the distance so well. They texted every day, called twice a week and skyped once. They had a virtual date where they ate dinner together over video chat and then watched a movie at the same time. It was Moulin Rouge, and Chad had insisted that he pick next time. But there hadn't been a next time. After orientation and the first couple weeks of classes, things had slowed down between them. The phone calls happened less and less, and they would go for days at a time without talking. When they did, it felt so perfunctory, talking because they were supposed to and not because they really had anything to say.

Chad wanted to be excited about seeing Ryan next weekend. He was making the effort, and Chad really appreciated it. But he wasn't excited. He felt like he was going to throw up every time he thought about it. He was relieved that he couldn't go to New York, and that he would be seeing Ryan in a group setting before spending time alone with him.

He had never thought he and Ryan would make it this far. It had always seemed stupid to keep your high school romance going into college, and if it wasn't for Troy and Gabriella, he probably wouldn't have done it. Not that he had wanted to break up with Ryan - the summer between graduation and starting school had been even better than their first summer together, and the conversation had never even come up. But he hadn't expected this. He hadn't planned for it. He didn't know how to do any of this, and he was pretty sure that if he didn't figure it out, and at least put in the same effort that Ryan was, their relationship would quickly dwindle away to nothing.

He thought back to the phone call that morning, and tried to remember how happy it had made him at first. How excited Ryan had been about flying him out to New York. How quickly he had accepted and adapted to the change in plans. How clear an image Chad had of him, sitting at his computer and booking a flight. How good it was going to be to see him. To touch him. To occupy the same space that he did. The transition to anxiety hadn't even been conscious. He had hardly felt it until the lie had slipped out of his mouth, unplanned and unnecessary, and then there was no way to take it back. He had sat in the stairwell for almost an hour, unable to do anything other then contemplate all of the ways this could go wrong. He had tried to remind himself that Ryan cared about him. Obviously he did, or he wouldn't have set this up. But he couldn't shake the feeling that this was the beginning of the end for them.

Chad looked around, and realized that he was in front of the gym, which was only a short walk from his dorm. He must have been going in circles. He started back, knowing that if he didn't try and get some sleep soon there was no way he was going to be functional tomorrow. Hopefully, he told himself, closing the distance between himself and Ryan would fix whatever was going on between them, and get everything back on track. But as soon as he allowed himself to imagine everything being alright, that sick feeling came back. It didn't feel like it was going to be alright. It felt like it was already over.


	3. Chapter 3

The next two weeks passed quickly, and after one exam, one paper, and three failed attempts at video chatting with Ryan, Chad was in Troy's tree house, waiting for him to show up. It was going to be a smaller party than they had hoped - just him and Ryan, Troy and Gabriella, and Taylor. Chad was still nervous about it, but drinking a beer with Troy in their old hideout made things slightly better. Gabriella had gone to pick up Taylor, so for a little while at least, it was just the two of them.

"So are the RedHawks everything you hoped they would be?" Troy asked.

"Everything and more," Chad said, taking a long sip of his beer. Troy's tastes must have changed since going to college, because he had sprung for the good stuff. "How about your team?"

"They're fantastic," Troy said. "We're going to kick your ass at the first game."

"We'll have to see about that," Chad said, laughing. "And what about theater? You really doing both?"

"I'm still deciding if I'm going to do it as a major or a minor," Troy said. "But I'm taking a few classes. And I may or may not be in the company of Les Mis."

"Only in the company?" Chad asked.

"Gotta work my way up, man," Troy said. "You should come out and see it though, I actually think it's going to be a good show."

"Yeah, definitely," Chad said. "As long as my truck makes the trip, I'll be there."

"Guess what we have?" Gabriella called, walking in the backyard gate with Taylor in tow.

"Booze?" Troy asked, starting down the ladder. "Please tell me it's booze."

"It's booze," Taylor said, holding up a brown paper bag. "Since Kelsi couldn't come she sends her regards along with a bottle of gin and the instructions that now that we're older we need to make real cocktails, so I've got tonic water and limes as well."

"That's from Kelsi?" Chad asked. Taylor nodded, passing the bag up to him so that she could climb the ladder. "Did you see her?"

"We've stayed in touch," Taylor said. "New York isn't that far from Yale." She gave Chad a quick hug, and then took the bag, getting to work on making the cocktails.

"Are you drinking?" Chad asked.

"I sure am," Taylor said. "College has changed me. Yale kids party hard."

"Huh," Chad said. "Well I'm sorry to lose the best designated driver in the world, but I am thrilled to have you as a drinking buddy."

"Oh, speaking of," Troy said, climbing up the ladder to join them. "Gabriella told you you have to sleep over, right?"

"Troy, do you really think I would let someone drive me home drunk?" Taylor asked, as Gabriella made her way up to join them.

"Just making sure," Troy said, throwing his hands up. "My parents are being really chill about this, I don't want to give them a reason to change their minds." Taylor passed him a cup, and he took it.

"You've got nothing to worry about," Taylor said. "I'm just glad to be here. I can't believe I wasn't going to come until Gabriella talked me into it."

"Well we're glad to have you," Gabriella said, as Taylor handed her a cup. "And you too," she said to Chad, giving him a side hug with her free arm. "It's good to have the group back together again."

"It sure is," Taylor said. She handed Chad a drink, and then took one for herself. "Cheers," she said, clinking her cup against Chad's and then taking a sip. For a moment, it felt like junior year: Troy and Gabriella, him and Taylor. There had been many nights like this, the four of them hanging out together at one of their houses and pretending that that was a double date. They would get pizza or Chinese food, and put on a movie but never pay attention. They didn't drink, usually, when it was just the four of them, but there was always some elaborate toasting ritual with whatever they had. Despite how awkward dating Taylor had been, he had always loved those nights. And a few of those nights, he had honestly believed that something could work between the two of them.

He shook his head, trying to shake off the feeling, and took a long sip of his drink. It was good gin, not like the stuff his team mates bought that tasted like a Christmas tree on fire.

"Hey, is this where the party is?"

Chad turned and leaned over the railing to look, his heart rate speeding up. Ryan was standing by the gate, and Chad felt a wave of joy wash over him as they made eye contact. He was wearing a thin striped t-shirt with a thick-striped hat - the one he had worn to the baseball game, Chad realized - and was somehow pulling it off. He held up a brown paper bag. "I come bearing alcohol from Kelsi."

"Wait, Kelsi gave you booze too?" Taylor asked.

"Last minute decision on her part," Ryan said. "She was very concerned about us running out."

"Well get up here!" Gabriella called. Ryan nodded, and walked over, all the while looking at Chad. He put the bag under his arm and climbed the ladder single handedly, passing the bag off to Taylor and then giving Gabriella a hug.

"Hey," he said, turning to Chad. He was trying to play it cool, but he couldn't fight off the smile.

"Hey," Chad said, practically blushing. How had he thought things were going badly? How had he ever had any doubt? "Nice hat."

"Yeah, I thought you might like it," Ryan said. He pulled Chad into a hug, and it immediately felt like no time had passed. His arms felt the same wrapped around him, and he smelled like that same cologne Chad had never been able to figure out. When Ryan let go, he held Chad's shoulders at arms length, so that he could give him a nice long look in the eyes. Chad felt the anxiety threaten to bubble up again, and he shoved it down.

"It's really good to see you," Ryan finally said.

"Yeah," Chad said, wanting to believe it. "It's really good to see you too."


	4. Chapter 4

"So then I said, well just watch this," Ryan said, standing up to try and demonstrate some sort of dance move. He was three drinks in, and while his tolerance seemed to have gone up slightly since the last time Chad had seen him, he was pretty close to wasted. What exactly he was doing was unclear, some drunk and strange take on a jazz square from what Chad could tell. "And then after that he had to admit that I was right he was wrong and so he put my choreography in the show."

He sat back down, in a motion halfway between conscious movement and just letting gravity do its thing. They all laughed, that loud drunken laugh that goes on just a little too long. They were all wasted, was the truth of it.

"New York is treating you so good," Gabriella said. She was cuddled up against Troy, her arm around her shoulder playing with the strap of her dress, and her arm around his waist, playing with his belt loop. "I'm so glad you love it so much."

"It's literally the best place in the whole entire world," Ryan said. "I love it. I love it. I love every single thing about it." He looked over at Chad, and grabbed him around the neck. "I just wish that Chad was there, then it would be perfect."

"You two are too cute," Gabriella said, as Chad tried not to make it obvious that he was viscerally uncomfortable with being touched right now. He tried to lean into it instead, putting his head against Ryan's and putting his arm around his waist. He had missed touching Ryan so much, missed the feeling of safety and contentment that came with their fingers intertwined and their legs crossed over each other and the way Ryan would plant little kisses on his temples whenever they were lying down together. But looking over at Troy and Gabriella, who looked so natural together, this felt so forced. He didn't want to be touching Ryan. He didn't want to be touching anyone.

"You're all too cute," Taylor said, taking a swig of gin. When Taylor started drinking, she had really started drinking. She had probably put away more than any of the rest of them had. She was a sloppy drunk, not in a bad way necessarily, but in a way that was surprising considering how collected and organized she usually was. She was sprawled out on the floor, playing with the rim of her solo cup. "I can't believe I'm here alone with two couples. I can't believe it."

"I can't believe that there's no one at Yale who's good enough for you," Gabriella said. She looked up at Troy. "Do you know anyone at Yale? We should be her matchmakers."

"I do not, unfortunately," Troy said. "I do not know anyone at Yale."

"I don't need anyone at Yale," Taylor said. "Keep your work and your play separate, that's what I always say." She took another large swig of gin.

"Is that what you say?" Chad asked. "Because as I recall-"

"Shhh," Taylor said, crawling across the floor so she could put a finger up to Chad's lip. She looked him straight in the eyes. "That was a dark time for both of us. You are not going to talk about that right now." She didn't seem mad, but Chad didn't know what drunk Taylor was like, so he was not going to risk messing with her. He nodded, and she went back to where she was sitting. Everyone sipped their drinks, not really knowing how to address the situation.

"Hey you guys wanna know what I'm gonna do next weekend?" Ryan asked. They all looked over at him. "I'm gonna go see Equus and see Daniel Radcliffe's dick."


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm getting sleepy," Ryan said. He was sprawled out all over Chad, one of his arms reaching across Chad's chest and then up and back around his head to play with his hair, his right leg crossed over Chad's left. They had moved from the treehouse to Troy's room around midnight, in order to keep the noise down. Chad wasn't sure how long they had been there, but it was long enough that he could feel the alcohol starting to wear off.

"Are people ready for bed?" Troy asked.

"No!" Taylor said. The alcohol definitely had not worn off for her. She was laying on her stomach on Troy's bed, her head propped up on her elbows so she could see the all on the floor. "We can't go to bed, we just got here."

"I agree," Ryan said. "The party never stops in New York, no one ever sleeps. It's the city that never sleeps, we gotta make this the city that never sleeps." New York. All Ryan had talked about the whole night was New York, and Chad couldn't help but wonder if Ryan wished Chad had gone there for the weekend.

"You going to make it, Gabriella?" Troy asked, nudging her slightly.

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm awake." She picked her head up off Troy's shoulder, readjusting so that she was almost sitting all the way up. "Let's do something. Let's play a game."

"Never have I ever?" Troy asked.

"That's perfect," Gabriella said, suddenly getting a second wind. "We haven't seen each other in so long, everyone will have new stuff."

"I'm game," Chad said. As much as he usually hated stuff like this, Gabriella was right. It would be an easy way to find out exactly what Ryan had been up to in New York. And it would be a way to get Ryan's hands off him for a minute.

"Hold on," Taylor said, getting off the bed. "If I'm going to do this, I need another drink." She grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured a hefty amount into a cup, and then sat down with her back against the bed. "Let's do this."

"I'll go first," Gabriella said. "Never have I ever... Hooked up with someone backstage."

Ryan squinted. "Define hooked up," he said. "Like, did clothes have to be off?"

Gabriella thought for a minute. "I guess not," she said.

Ryan clapped, and put down a finger. Chad's mouth got dry, and he tried to remind himself that that could have been before they had started dating, not necessarily after. Ryan poked him in the side. "Put down a finger," he said.

"What?"

"Senior year," he said. "The musical."

Relief washed over him. "That was not a hookup," Chad said. "Making out doesn't count as a hookup."

"It was a little more than making out," Ryan said. "As I recall."

Chad's cheeks got hot, and he had to avoid making eye contact with Troy. Maybe he was still drunk. "Alright, alright," he said, putting down a finger. "Let's move along."

"Okay," Troy said. "Never have I ever vomited after drinking. Chad, Ryan, and Taylor all clapped out. Troy and Gabriella high fived, and wiggled all of their fingers.

"Never have I ever," Ryan said, "um... Kissed a girl. Not in spin the bottle." Chad and Troy immediately clapped out, followed by Taylor.

"What?" Gabriella asked. "Excuse me, how have we not talked about this?"

"I have to clap out, I don't have to explain myself," Taylor said, taking another drink. Her words were slurred. "A lady doesn't kiss and tell. Chad, go."

Chad looked at her, and then back at Ryan, trying to decide who he wanted to know about more. He decided to play it safe, and target Troy instead. "Never have I ever had sex in a car," he said.

"Rude," Chad said, as he and Gabriella both clapped out. Taylor did too, and they all looked over.

"Someone's been busy since college," Chad said.

"Never have I ever done cocaine," Taylor said, ignoring him entirely. The room was silent. "Okay," she said. "Ecstasy? No, wait, never mind."

"You've done ecstasy?" Gabriella asked. "Who even are you and what have you done with Taylor?" Taylor shrugged. "What about not having any skeletons in your closet so you can run for office?"

"Everyone's got skeletons," Taylor said. "You've just got to know how to hide them. Now let's see, there's got to be something... Never have I ever..." She looked around the room, her eyes settling on Chad. "Been given an orgasm by a man."

Chad would have been mad, but since he Ryan and Gabriella were all out, no one seemed to be thinking about the fact that she and Chad had been together.

Gabriella looked at Taylor. "Never have I ever been given an orgasm by a woman."

Troy clapped out, but no one was looking. Taylor and Gabriella were holding eye contact, Taylor's pointer finger wavering. "Ugh, fine," she said. She clapped, and put her finger down.

"Oh my god," Gabriella said, her eyes getting wide. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew there was something going on between you too."

"Who two?" Troy asked.

Taylor rolled her eyes. "Kelsi and I are seeing each other," Taylor said. "But she didn't want me to say anything since she wasn't here."

"Does this mean I can talk about it now?" Ryan asked. Taylor rolled her eyes, and nodded. "Oh my god they're so fucking cute you guys," Ryan said, leaning back. "I've been sitting on this for a month, I'm so glad. You should see the two of them together oh my god."

"So does this mean..." Chad asked. "That when you and I were dating, we were both..."

"I'm bi, Chad," Taylor said. "It is possible to like guys and girls at the same time."

"I know," he said. "Just trying to figure that whole thing out. Okay. Good to know."

"I can't believe it," Gabriella said. "Stop the game, you're telling us everything."

Taylor rolled her eyes again, but once she started in on the story, it was clear that she was loving it.

"Hey babe," Ryan whispered, leaning in so close to Chad's ear that he could feel his breath. "Let's get out of here, let's go to bed." His hand found Chad's waist, and started playing with the band on his boxers.

Chad looked at him. "Do you mean go to bed or like... Dude, I'm not having sex with you in Troy's house."

"But it's been so long," Ryan said. "I miss you."

"Do you know where the Bolton's guest room is?" Chad said. "It's right next to Troy's parents' room. Literally next to it. I am not letting Coach Bolton hear us having sex."

Ryan sighed. "You have a point, I guess," he said. "We can still sleep together though, right? Just to sleep? I sleep so much better with someone next to me."

Chad swallowed, wondering why Ryan had said 'someone' instead of 'you'. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah or course." If there was any chance Ryan was drifting away, Chad was going to do everything he could to stop him.

"Good," he said. "We should go to bed soon though. We've got to get up early tomorrow."

"What?" Chad asked. "Why?"

"For our date," Ryan said. "I'm taking you out, remember?"

"Oh," Chad said. "Right." Chad had forgotten about it entirely. Ryan reached for his hand and Chad took it, instinctively. He looked at Gabriella and Troy, so happy together. And Taylor, so happy just talking about Kelsi. And Ryan, his eyes closed, a smile on his face. Everyone had someone, and everyone was happy. Why wasn't he?


	6. Chapter 6

"I can't believe you've lived in this city your whole life and never been to the botanical gardens," Ryan said. "It's like, the most famous thing in this city. You didn't even go on a field trip here?"

Chad shook his head. "I think maybe my class did but I was sick," Chad said.

"It's a good thing I took you, then," Ryan said. "My friend Adam and I go to the one in New York all the time, but I've got to say... Albuquerque might have it over New York with this one." He reached for Chad's hand, and Chad pretended he didn't notice, not wanting to hold it in public. Maybe that wouldn't have drawn attention in New York, but here it might.

New York had been the theme of the day. They had started out by going to a cafe for brunch that reminded Ryan of his favorite café in New York. This evening they were going to go see a cabaret at the local theater, since they couldn't see a show on Broadway. It was clear that Ryan would much rather have been in New York, but it wasn't bothering Chad as much as it had the night before. Ryan was making the effort, and that's what he had wanted. If it involved talking about New York every once in awhile, he could handle it.

They came to a little wooden bridge over a pond, and stopped to look out at the water. Ryan was right, this place was incredible. They had passed a couple getting their wedding photos taken a little ways back, and it had occurred to Chad that this would be a really nice place to get married. Not that he was thinking about getting married. He did not want to be the kind of person who thought about getting married. There was a surprising moment of relief when he realized he couldn't get married here. Not in New Mexico. Not any time soon, at least.

"Do you remember that night right before I went to school?" Ryan asked. He was looking straight out at the water, his hat creating a shadow over his eyes. "How it got so late, and we kept talking about how we should go to sleep, but we just kept laying there, looking at each other?"

"Yeah," Chad said. "I remember." He had cried that night, the first and only time Ryan had ever seen him cry.

"I was so scared that night," Ryan said. "I was scared that if I closed my eyes you wouldn't be there when I opened them again. And I knew that there was no way I could tell you everything I was feeling, and I know you hate feelings, so I just... I'm sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this."

"It's okay," Chad said. "I get it."

He did get it. He had felt the same that night, lying next to Ryan on his bed. They had stopped talking, and they had stopped touching, and they were just looking. For hours. Chad had been scared too, and he was sure Ryan knew. He never had to tell Ryan things like that. He had been scared for weeks, feeling sick to his stomach every time they were together, and even worse when they were apart. But looking at Ryan that night, one giant irrational fear had taken over all of the very rational ones. He was afraid he was going to forget Ryan's face. He laid there, trying to commit to memory the exact shade of Ryan's eyes. The line of his jaw. The slope of his nose. The arch of his eyebrows. He was lying next to his boyfriend on their last night together for who knew how long, and he was crying, because he was afraid he would forget the face he had been staring at for over a year.

"I want to make this work," Ryan said. It felt sudden, and Chad's heart started racing. "I really, really want to make this work." This was it. This was the breakup. It was happening, right now, on a bridge in the botanical gardens for everyone to see. "I can come home more, if I need to. I'll work around my rehearsals. And we can work around your games to get you out to New York. Or I'll come to your games. Or we'll meet somewhere in the middle. I don't know, but I want to figure it out. I want to make this work."

Chad was so surprised that it took him some time to collect his thoughts enough to say something. Ryan turned and looked at him, expectantly. Finally accepting that he was not being dumped, he nodded, and gave Ryan's hand a quick, subtle squeeze. "Okay," he said. "We'll work this out."


	7. Chapter 7

"This is where we're having dinner?" Chad asked as Ryan pulled into the Lava Springs parking lot.

"It's the nicest place I know where I can get them so serve us wine," Ryan said, casually.

"It has nothing to do with you being stupidly sentimental?" Chad asked.  They both got out of the car, and started walking over towards the entrance.

"That might have something to do with it," Ryan said.

"I don't think I'm dressed for this place though," Chad said, looking down at his t-shirt and jeans.

"Don't worry," Ryan said.  "We're not eating in the dining room."  He led Chad around the building to the kitchen door, where he knocked dramatically three times before entering.  He waved down one of the waiters, who quickly came over.

"What can I do for you Mr. Evans?" he asked.

"I believe there should be a picnic basket around here somewhere?" Ryan asked.

"Just a second," the waiter said.  He ran around the corner, and came back holding a giant basket with both hands.  Ryan had almost definitely gone overboard with whatever he had ordered.  "Here you go," he said.  He handed the basket to Ryan but Chad took it instead, figuring it would be heavy.  It was.  "Everything's all set, enjoy your dinner."

"Thanks, man," Ryan said. Instead of going back out he led Chad up the staircase and onto the roof.  "I thought about the dugout," he told Chad.  "But I figured the ambiance would be a little bit better up here." He opened the basket, pulled out a blanket that was folded on top, and spread it out. He set up two place settings, complete with fancy silverware and wine glasses, and then a set of tea lights and a box of matches.

"Jeeze," Chad said. "You really went all out with this.

Ryan shrugged. "I wanted candle sticks, but I guess these will do." He lit the candles one by one and then shook out the match. "Take a seat."

Of all of the things Ryan had done today, this was by far Chad's favorite. There was nothing New York about it. It wasn't even Albuquerque, really. It was high school. It was the summer they had gotten together. It was perfect.

Chad took out a bottle of wine and a cork screw, wanting to do something helpful. He opened the bottle and poured a glass for Ryan, then himself. As he did, Ryan took out their dinner: a baguette with numerous fancy cheeses and meats and a number of different spreads, marinated olives, roasted vegetables, and a few different salads in little glass jars. Chad had gotten so used to dining hall food and crappy pizza from the only place near school that was open after midnight that he had almost forgotten what it was like to eat with Ryan.

"Is this your first time going home since school started?" Ryan asked, once they had heaped the food onto their plates.

Chad shook his head. "I've made a few day trips back to do laundry," he said. "And to get food from my mom. She's very concerned that I'm going to starve to death if I don't have a massive supply of homemade cookies at all times. Not that I'm complaining."

"That's so sweet," Ryan said.

"I'm sure she would make cookies for you too, if you wanted them," Chad said. "Nothing makes my mother happier than making someone cookies."

"I might take her up on that," Ryan said. Despite the initial awkwardness between Chad's parents and Ryan, he had completely won them over, especially Chad's mother. She would probably have already sent Ryan multiple boxes of cookies if she had had his address at school. "Ooh, I want to make a toast!" He held up his glass, which probably contained a larger portion of wine than Chad should have given him. Chad had a feeling he was going to be the one driving the theater after this.

"To making it work long distance," Ryan said. "To Albuquerque and New York. To Lava Springs, for getting us together. And East High, for keeping us together. And to us. Most of all to us." Ryan clinked his glass against Chad's, and they both drank.

Chad didn't have it in him to make a cheesy toast like that, but he had to say something. "I'm really glad you came home this weekend," he said. He hoped Ryan would understand everything that he meant by that without him having to say it all. "Thank you, for coming here since I couldn't go to you. I don't know what I would have done if I had had to wait to see you until Thanksgiving."

"I don't know that you will see me for Thanksgiving," Ryan said.

"What?" Chad asked. "What do you mean?" After weeks of dreading seeing Ryan, now he was dreading not seeing him. He couldn't imagine being away from him longer than the month until Thanksgiving.

"My parents are going to be in India," he said. "I was going to come home and do dinner with Sharpay but she got an offer to go to St. Barth's, so... I guess it's a turkey sandwich at a diner this year."

"Ryan, that's..." Chad couldn't imagine his family abandoning him for the holidays. And he didn't want to imagine Ryan alone, eating a sandwich in the corner of some cafe while everyone else was having dinner with their friends and family. "Do you want to come have Thanksgiving with us?"

"I don't want to impose upon your family," Ryan said.

"No, you wouldn't be," Chad said. "Not at all." He hadn't even thought about the question before it came out of his mouth, but it was true. His mother would probably disown him if he didn't invite Ryan. "We don't have any extended family nearby and neither do the Boltons, so we actually do Thanksgiving dinner with them. It's really nice. And you're totally welcome to come. I'm sure Gabriella will be there too."

"Are you sure?" Ryan asked. "You're sure that would be okay?"

"Of course," Chad said, sticking an olive in his mouth. "I wouldn't have it any other her way."


	8. Chapter 8

"I can't believe you thought you could beat me," Troy said, as he and Chad walked out of the East High gym. They had come back at Coach Bolton's request to give the Wildcats a pep talk, and had stayed to play a game of one on one. It was strange, being back and being on the other side of things. "You owe me twenty dollars."

"Let's do double or nothing," Chad said. "Whoever wins at our first college game against each other gets forty."

"You just don't have twenty dollars with you, do you?" Troy asked.

"That might have something to do with it," Chad said. "I had to do something for Ryan after everything he did for me on Saturday, okay? I'm totally broke now. But Albuquerque's totally going to beat you, so it's like a win-win for me."

"What did you get him?" Troy asked. He took a seat on one of the benches in the locker room.

"You're going to make fun of me," Chad said.

"I'm not going to make fun of you," Troy said. "It used to be easy to make fun of you, but you're too comfortable in your relationship now. You guys are solid as a rock, it's no fun anymore."

"I don't know that I would say that," Chad said without thinking.

"What?" Troy asked.

Chad started pacing back and forth. "It's nothing, man. Forget I said anything."

"Dude, come on," Troy said. He threw his basketball at Chad and Chad caught it, instinctively. He looked at Troy. "We're adults now. You can talk about your feelings."

"Jesus, all that theater crap is getting to your head," he said. "You sound like Ryan."

"What's going on?" Troy said.

"I don't know," Chad said. He bounced the basketball, watching it go up and down instead of making eye contact. "Sometimes it seems like everything is going great. But most of the time... Most of the time it's like I don't even know who he is anymore. All he ever talks about is New York, and he's doing so much and he's got all these big dreams, and I'm still back in Albuquerque and it's like, what do we even talk about, you know? How do I measure up to that?" He looked over at Troy, who was just sitting there, nodding. "So? If you're going to make me talk about things, the least you could do is answer."

"Are you sure that there's real issues between the two of you?" Troy asked. "Or are you just making up issues because you're afraid?"

"What are you, a therapist?" Chad said.

"You asked for my opinion," Troy said, throwing up his hands. "I'm just giving it to you."

"It's not just that, okay?" Chad said. Troy had tried to bring this up before, and Chad wasn't having any of it. Not today. "I don't... It doesn't feel the same anymore." He tried to find a way to say it without actually saying it. "It's like he's trying, and I'm, I'm trying you know? I am. But I just don't... I can't..."

"You don't have to skirt around it," Troy said. "I can handle you talking about see."

"Jesus, Troy, it's not about the sex," Chad said. "It's much more embarrassing than that." He wrapped his arms tightly around the basketball. "I don't know if I love him anymore."

"Oh," Troy said. "Okay. That's... Different."

"And I was going to break up with him," Chad said. He hadn't even admitted that to himself until he said it out loud. He had been thinking about it after the phone call, and on the way home, and during the party on Friday. Saturday morning too, if he was being honest. "And then I ended up inviting him to Thanksgiving."

"And do you want him to be at Thanksgiving?" Troy asked.

"Yes," Chad said. "No. Christ, I don't know." He threw the ball hard towards the corner of the room, letting it bounce and then roll as he sat down opposite Troy on the bench. "I can't just Turkey Drop him now, can I? I can't like do that over the dinner table."

"You know," Troy said, "you were the one who told me that you don't take the significant other to college."

"Yeah, and I was wrong," Chad said. "You and Gabriella are doing great. Clearly it can work out. I just don't know if it's working out for me."

"Look," Troy said. "You've got, what, another month apart? Just see how it goes. If it's not going well, there's no point in making him hold on through Thanksgiving just so you can dump him immediately after. And if it is going well, then everything's good, and we'll all be thrilled to have him. Don't just let it go bad because you're afraid though. You've got to make the effort."

Chad nodded. He hated when Troy got like this, like he understood Chad's feelings better than he did himself, but Troy was right. He would meet Ryan halfway, just like Ryan had said. "Can we be done with the feelings stuff now?" Chad asked. "Let's get out of here and do something else."

"Wait," Troy said. "One more thing and then we can go."

"Ugh, fine," Chad said. "But you're killing me, Bolton."

"What did you spend all your money on?" Troy asked.

Chad blushed. "Tap shoes."


	9. Chapter 9

"Good game, honey," Chad's mom said, wrapping her arms around him. One hand was holding a bouquet. Even though Chad had been playing basketball since he was a little kid, his mom still didn't really understand sports. She brought flowers to every single game that she came to. She always had. It was embarrassing, obviously, but it was so sweet he couldn't tell her that. "We are so proud of you getting on the team here."

"Thanks, Mom," Chad said, taking the flowers.

"And look who came to see you play!" she said, gesturing towards the stands. For a second Chad's heart started racing, thinking it was Ryan. But when he looked, his fathers was leading his grandparents towards them. He tried not to be disappointed.

"Gram, Gramps," he said, rushing over to give them a hug. "I can't believe you came all the way from Vegas just to see me."

"It's been too long since we saw you play," his grandfather said, giving him a pat on the back.

"Is your team always this good?" his grandmother asked.

"Well we've only had a few games so far," he said. "But yeah, we're pretty good."

"We're so happy for you," she said. "And we have some great news!"

"News?" Chad asked. His grandparents rarely had news, and when they did, it was usually about a big box store opening up, or a family of ducks on the golf course.

"We're moving back to Alberquerque," his grandfather said.

"We wanted to be closer to your father," his grandmother explained. "And there's a very nice retirement community out here."

"And we had to cut off your Gram's gambling," his grandfather said. They all laughed. His grandmother had never gambled a cent, even on a scratch ticket. She was morally opposed to it. It was part of the reason that the move from San José to Las Vegas had never really made sense.

"We've had our fun," his grandmother said. "And now we're ready to settle down."

"That's great," Chad said. It would be nice to have them around. His father would worry much less, and wouldn't have to make the trips out there anymore. He had never seen his grandparents much when he was a kid. There were trips to California every other year, and they came out to New Mexico every once in a while, but as everyone got older, it happened less and less. It would be nice to have them around.

"And the best part of all is well be able to spend Thanksgiving with you!" she continued. "And we haven't been able to do that in ages. Will we get to meet your girlfriend?"

Chad's heart nearly stopped. His grandparents—his very conservative Christian grandparents—were going to be at Thanksgiving. With his boyfriend. His flamboyant boyfriend who wore too many hats and talked nonstop about show tunes.

"Chad doesn't have a girlfriend," his father said, covering as best as he could.

"But his friend Troy will be there," his mother chimed in. "And Troy's girlfriend Gabriella. And their friend Ryan. You remember all of them from the play last year, don't you?"

"I gave up trying to remember names long ago," his grandfather said. "But I'm sure we'll recognize them."

"I don't know how a handsome young man like yourself doesn't have a girlfriend," his grandmother said. "There's got to be plenty of nice girls here."

Chad's throat was tight; his teeth clenched. "It was really nice to see you guys," Chad said hurriedly. "But I actually have to go meet up with the team now. I'll catch up with you later, okay?" He ran back to the locker room without a goodbye. He caught a glimpse of a sorry expression on his parents' faces, but even that was too much.

His "friend" Ryan. Was that how it was going to be for the rest of his life? A series of "friends" who came over for family dinners and couldn't touch until they left the house? "Roommates" who had to rent two bedroom apartments so they could pretend that they weren't sleeping in the same bed? 

The locker room was mostly empty at this point, which Chad was grateful for. He took a seat on the floor, his back pressed against a bench. He hadn't even wanted Ryan to come to this. The whole point of it was to try and fix their relationship, and they would have to spend the whole time acting like they weren't in one. Troy and Gabriella would be sitting across from them at the table, holding hands and whispering and leaning against each other. Why couldn't he and Ryan do that? Why couldn't they just act like a normal couple for five seconds without having to worry about what some old people would think of it?

His phone rang. He knew who it was, but he couldn't bring himself to answer. Ryan was swamped with work right now. The last thing he needed was for Chad to drop this on him, especially since Chad was still so worked up about it. He had to figure out a way to soften the blow. And he didn't think it would be fair to talk to Ryan when he was wishing that he had never invited him in the first place.


	10. Chapter 10

"So I can't stay with you over Thanksgiving?" Ryan asked. Chad was sitting in the stairwell, his phone in one hand and his basketball in the other. It was late, and it was even later in New York. He had caught Ryan while he was out with some group of theater people, and the call was definitely interrupting that, but Ryan had taken it anyway. He didn't really even want to make this call. More than anything he just wanted to go to bed and pretend that this was a non-issue, but that wasn't really an option. It had been over twenty four hours. He needed to tell him. And unsurprisingly, he wasn't taking it well.

"I don't know," Chad said. "Apparently they want to get the floors redone in their new place, so they were thinking about staying with us for that whole week. I mean you're still welcome to stay with us. It's just that they'll be there too."

"And I can't stay in your room," Ryan said. Chad could hear the lump in his throat. "And I have to pretend that I'm not your boyfriend."

Chad sighed, slumping against the wall. "I'm sorry, Ry," he said. "I wish it didn't have to be like this."

Chad could hear a door open on Ryan's end of the line. There was some sort of hushed conversation; the sounds of a party spilling out onto the street. It went on long enough that Chad had to wonder if Ryan had forgotten he was on the phone. "It's okay," he eventually said. "It's not your fault. I'm not mad at you, I'm just... It's frustrating. But I'm sure it's frustrating for you too."

"Yeah," Chad said. "You could say that."

Ryan sighed, the dramatic kind of sigh that only a theater kid could produce. "It's different in New York, you know," he said. "People don't care. You can hold hands here. You can go out and just act like a couple. It's really nice, Chad."

"It sounds nice," Chad said. He was pretty sure that the irritation in his voice was evident. He was already upset enough. He didn't need to hear any more about how much better New York was.

"Look," Ryan said. "If this is the situation, then this is the situation. We all have family members who we haven't come out to. I mean, I'm sure all of mine know, but there's plenty of the extended family who prefers not to talk about it. So, it's cool. Well make it work. I've got to go, okay? It's really late here."

"Okay," Chad said, relieved. "I love you."

"I love you too," Ryan said. There was a long pause. It was silent, this time. No party in the background. Chad wondered if he was on campus or out in the city somewhere. Once, Ryan had told him that the city was his campus. Chad told him that was about as terrible as saying that New York was the fifth character on Sex and the City. They had laughed for too long, tipsy on the time difference.

"I wish you were here," Ryan said.

"I know," Chad said. It wasn't the right thing to say, but he was too tired to pretend that he wished that he was too.


	11. Chapter 11

"Chad.  Chad!  Chad Micheal Danforth I  _know_   you can hear me."

The voice was unmistakable, but Chad had hoped that he could just pretend he hadn't heard her.  It was a little disconcerting that she knew his middle name, since even Ryan didn't know that, but he wasn't exactly surprised.  He sighed and turned around.

"Hey Sharpay," he said, one hand nervously reaching behind his head.  "What's going on?"

"Nice of you to acknowledge my existence," she said, folding her arms across her chest.  In all of the time that he and Ryan had been dating, Chad and Sharpay had never gotten close.  He had spent the first few weeks of school doing everything he could to avoid her, and was relieved to realize that she was doing the same.  Sharpay was a shitty sister to Ryan, and no matter how many times she had pretended she would be better to him, Chad wasn't convinced.

It had been awhile since he had laid eyes on her, and she looked different.  She still had the same obnoxious clothing and the same air of superiority.  But there was something else about her that had changed.  He couldn't put his finger on it, but something about her made him uncomfortable in a way he had never been with her before; a feeling in his gut that was far too close to pity for someone like Sharpay.  Ryan had mentioned that she hadn't been doing well with not getting into a New York school, and she was doing everything she could to transfer.  Somehow she was also clawing her way to the top of the University of Albuquerque theater department, with a lead role in the show despite being a freshman.  Ryan was certain that his parents had paid off the department.  Chad was convinced that they had given it to her because they were afraid.  Whatever the situation was, it was grim, but Chad had stayed out of it because it seemed like a family thing.

"I'm going to be late to practice if you don't just get on with it," Chad said.

"Oh because you're little basketball game is so important," Sharpay said.

"It's not a game," Chad said.  "But is important.  So I'm leaving now."

"Wait," Sharpay said.  Her hand reached out to stop him from turning around.  "Have you spoken to my brother lately?"

Chad swallowed.  "Not lately," he said.  The truth was that it had been weeks.

Sharpay rolled her eyes.  "Of course not," she said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Chad asked, a frantic tone clinging to the question.  Had Ryan told her that they were having trouble?  Did she know what Chad was planning on doing?  Did Ryan?

His palms started to sweat.  He had been distancing himself from Ryan because he had finally made a decision.  After so long going back and forth, he had come to the conclusion that he needed to end it.  There was nothing that he could do about Ryan coming for Thanksgiving, but he couldn't keep the relationship going longer than that.  He would have to turkey drop him at the last minute possible.  He had thought through the scenario over and over, sitting in front of the airport in his beat-up truck and telling Ryan that it just wasn't going to work out between them.  The distance was too much.  They had grown apart.  You don't keep the highschool boyfriend through college.  It was the best thing for both of them.  He would be happier this way.

That had been what had finally forced Chad into making the decision.  Ryan loved New York so much, and that just wasn't what Chad was.  Chad still played basketball in his backyard with his best friend from high school.  He went to college less than an hour from home.  He was still a jock, no matter how many dance lessons Ryan gave him.  And he was never going to be totally comfortable with being public about their relationship.

He was never going to be a part of the life that Ryan wanted.

"I mean that I should have known that when I actually need you for something you won't be of any use to me," Sharpay said.  Chad had worked himself up to the point that the fact that she had meant nothing by the comment did nothing to calm him down.  "He hasn't been answering my calls and I need to know if he wants me to book a suite when I go to New York or if I just need a room for myself."

"I'm sure a fancy hotel would be a nice break from dorm life for him," Chad said.  If it was him, he would be perfectly happy staying in his dorm room and far away from Sharpay, but you never knew with Ryan.  Maybe there was some sort of twin connection there that was hard to see from the outside. There seemed to be times when Ryan legitimately enjoyed being with his sister.

"Yeah, well, last time I went up there he spent the entirety of my trip hanging out with his stupid roommate," she said.  "Not that I was upset about having the whole suite to myself, but still.  It was embarrassing when they came up with my room service."

Chad dug his fingernails into his palm, forcing himself not to think too hard about Ryan and his roommate.  They had been introduced once over Skype.  He was tall and lanky, with stupid glasses.  A musical theater major.  Born and raised in New York. 

"I'm late for practice," Chad said, hurriedly, with no idea of whether or not he actually was.  He jogged to the gym, eager to get on the court and clear his head.

Of course Ryan would be happier after they broke up.  New York had everything that Ryan could possibly want.


	12. Chapter 12

_Won't see you until tomorrow_ , Chad read, breathing a sigh of relief. _Promised Shar I would see her b4 she leaves._

There was no doubt in Chad's mind that his behavior was a part of why Ryan was putting off his visit. He was surprised Ryan was even coming at this point. After his conversation with Sharpay, Chad had distanced himself even further. They hardly talked anymore, and he was incredibly cold when they did. It was better to do it this way, he told himself. It was like letting him down slowly. This way, Ryan wouldn't be surprised, or sad. He would probably be angry at first, but he would get over it. And not having to see him today would make all of that easier.

"Is everything okay?"

Chad looked up. Gabriella was standing in the doorway, a spatula covered in pumpkin pie filling dangling from her hand. "Troy told me to come get you because you would want to scrape the bowl."

"Thanks," Chad said, putting his phone in his pocket and trying to act casual. "I came in here to call Ryan, but he texted me, so... It's all good."

"Look, I don't want to pry," Gabriella said. She looked over her shoulder, twirling the spatula in her hands. "But I talked to Ryan the other day. And he told me he was worried about you."

"Worried? About me?" His voice was significantly higher than it was supposed to be. He instinctively grabbed Troy's basketball off of the bedside table. "Why?"

"Because you've been acting weird," Gabriella said. She took a step closer to him, lingering in the awkward space between the doorway and where Chad was standing. "I promise he didn't tell me to talk to you or anything. But he said he felt like there was something weird going on, and then with the way that you were looking at your phone... I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Yeah, yeah," Chad said. "I mean, he's coming tomorrow, isn't he? I wouldn't be having him over for Thanksgiving dinner with my family if we were having problems, would I?"

Gabriella looked down. "Troy told me about the situation with your grandparents," she said. "I know you aren't big on feelings, but if that's the reason for whatever is happening, I wanted to say that Troy and I love and support you."

"That's not the reason," Chad snapped. The last thing he wanted right now was a reminder of what a shitty situation this was. He couldn't stand Gabriella being sweet and thoughtful like this when she didn't have any idea what was actually going on. "Don't worry about it, okay?" he said, trying to modulate his voice as he pushed past her. "Everything's fine. Thanks for telling me about the pie filling."

"I still don't know how you eat this stuff raw," Troy said, as Chad walked into the kitchen. He wondered how much Troy had heard of the conversation. From the way he was acting, Chad's best guess was nothing. "We've been doing this since we were kids and I swear he's done this every single year."

"Yeah, well every time Troy comes over to help my parents cook he eats raw cranberries," Chad said. He tossed the basketball at Troy, who caught it instinctively.

"Hey," Troy's mom said, suddenly appearing at the kitchen door. "No basketball in the house. You boys know that."

"Sorry Mrs. Bolton," Chad said. She shook her head, but smiled as she left the room. She had been fighting this battle for years and had never managed to make any headway. Chad reached for the top drawer on the right of the sink. He pulled out one of the big serving spoons and began to scrape the side of the mixing bowl. For a moment, it felt like the old days. Just him and Troy, hanging out at the Bolton house and making the same canned pumpkin pie that they always made. For a moment, Chad felt himself relaxing into the comfortable rhythm of tradition.

"So, you must be excited about seeing Ryan tomorrow," Troy said.

The moment didn't last very long.


	13. Chapter 13

Chad's heart was beating as he opened the door.

“Hey,” Ryan said. He was toned down compared to his usual look, wearing a simple button down and khakis. No sweater vest. No hat. It was weird. “Convincing enough?”

Chad forced a smile. “I think it'll do,” he said.

“I thought about bringing a basketball with me, but I was worried that that would be overkill.”

Chad laughed for real, the anxiety escaping for a moment and then quickly settling back in. “Let me take that for you,” he said, grabbing a casserole dish.

“I brought flowers, too,” he said. “I just didn't have the hands to carry them from the car.”

“Okay,” Chad said. “Well, I guess you can go grab them now.”

“Come with me,” Ryan said quietly, reaching a hand towards Chad's arm. “We'll sneak in a kiss before dinner.”

Chad shook his head, his jaw tight. “It's not worth the risk,” he said.

“No one will see,” Ryan said. “And I haven't seen you since October. I miss you.”

“Ryan!” Gabriella said, running past Chad and flinging her arms around Ryan. Chad thanked God for her timing. “I'm so glad you made it.”

“Wouldn't miss it for the world,” Ryan said, looking at Chad.

“Hey, man,” Troy said, following close behind Gabriella and giving Ryan a bro hug. “Good to see you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Ryan said.

“Anything I can take for you?”

“He said he had some flowers in the car,” Chad said.

He couldn't bring himself to look Ryan in the eyes.

 

* * *

 

  
“Would you pass the green beans, Mrs. Danforth?” Ryan asked, flashing a winning smile.

“Why of course, dear,” Chad's grandmother said, passing him the bowl. “It's so nice to see a young man with such good manners. You don't see that all too often these days.”

“That's what happens when you don't grow up on Bolton’s basketball team,” Chad's father said.

“Hey,” Coach Bolton said. “I teach those boys excellent sportsmanship on the court. If that doesn't carry over into their home life, you can't blame me.”

The dads laughed, and Chad tried to relax. So far, the dinner was going well. Pleasant and casual conversation. Politics had been avoided. No major dust-ups. Maybe they were going to pull this off after all.

“So you didn't play basketball with the boys?” Chad's grandfather asked. “You look familiar. I thought that was where I knew you from.”

“No, Sir,” Ryan said. He was gesturing with his silverware. “Sports were never really my thing. I'm sure you saw me around though. Chad and I were… pretty good friends by senior year.”

“Ryan and Chad were in the senior play together,” Chad's mom offered, trying to be helpful. “Troy and Gabriella were in the show, too. We sent you the DVD, remember?”

“Oh, yes,” his grandmother said. “I remember now.” She and his grandfather shared a look.

“So you're that dancer?” his grandfather asked. Ryan nodded with a sheepish grin. “Well that's… Interesting.”

Chad sank even lower in his seat, staring at a plate of food that he couldn't bring himself to consume.

 

* * *

 

 

“You should have seen Troy and Chad at their game together,” Gabriella said, waving around a bite of mashed potatoes on the end of her fork. “They were both trying so hard to win but you could tell that they hated playing against each other.”

“I didn't hate it too much until Chad beat me,” Troy said, laughing. “But we'll see how the next game goes.”

“We might not be the Wildcats, but it's a pretty good team,” Chad said. “I don't know, Troy. Still plenty of time to transfer to Albuquerque before you graduate with a losing team, man.”

“Not a chance,” Troy said. “I would lose every single game if it meant getting to see this girl as much as I do.”

He took Gabriella’s hand and kissed her on the cheek. She blushed, whispering something into his ear. Chad couldn't look at Ryan. He felt like he was going to throw up.

“Do you go to all of Troy’s games?” Chad's grandmother asked.

“All of the ones that are close by,” Gabriella said. “It's harder for me to do the away games with my schedule. I try, though. We always do what we can to be there for each other.”

“It must be nice to have someone so supportive,” Chad's grandmother said. “Don't you think, Chad?”

“Sure is,” Chad said through gritted teeth. “Gabriella’s a great girlfriend.”

“I'm not trying to be pushy,” his grandmother said. “I just think you would be happier if you had someone like Gabriella to come to your games.”

It was a double blow. He felt Ryan squeeze his leg under the table, but it was far from comforting. Why hadn't Ryan come to his games? He had said he would, but he had never shown up. Even though they couldn't act the way that Troy and Gabriella did, but it would be nice just to see him. And it wasn't like he didn't have the money. Too busy in New York, Chad guessed. Too busy with those Juilliard kids, doing God knows what. God knows who.

“You know I have a friend whose granddaughter goes to U of A,” Chad's grandfather said. “She's a great kid, from what I've heard. Straight A student. Plays the clarinet. She might be on that Facebook thing. You should look her up.”

“Thanks, Grandpa,” Chad said. “I'm good, though. Just focusing on school or whatever.”

“There's no harm in putting yourself out there,” his grandfather said.

“You know most people meet the person they marry in college,” his grandmother said. “That's where your grandfather and I met. It's where your father met your mother. You would be carrying on a proud family tradition if you met your future wife there.”

“I guess I would,” Chad said. He took his napkin off his lap and folded it next to his plate. There was no point in pretending that he was going to eat anymore.

 

* * *

 

  
“Did you hear about Connie Traymore’s son?” Chad's grandmother asked. Everyone had finished dinner, but they were lingering over their drinks before clearing the table.

“Mrs. Traymore?” his dad asked. “My Sunday School teacher?”

“That's the one,” his grandmother said. “You remember her son Nicholas? He's getting divorced after almost twenty years of marriage.”

“Really?” his mother asked. “That's so sad.”

“Apparently he's leaving her for someone else,” his grandmother said. “A man.” The word came out with a hushed force, like a kid testing the waters with a curse word in front of their parents. Chad could feel Ryan tense up next to him.

“Well that's… Surprising,” his father said.

“I couldn't believe it,” his grandmother said. “His poor wife.”

“Poor Nick,” his father said.

She's going to be the laughing stock of the community,” his grandmother continued. “They were very involved in the church, you know. And to think all of that was just to hide what was really going on.”

Everyone at the table was quiet. They looked back and forth, unsure of what to do.

“I don't think that's the only reason he was involved in the church, Mom,” Chad's father said. “I'm sure that he was doing what his faith compelled him to do. And I'm sure he's going through a very difficult time right now.”

“The things that man was doing were not the things that God compels us to do,” Chad's grandfather said.

“He's just trying to do the right thing,” his mother said. “Do you really think he should spend the rest of his life lying to his wife?”

“Of course not,” his grandmother said. “But I don't think he should spend the rest of his life living in sin with another man, either.”

“Can I take anyone's plate?” Chad asked. He started clearing the table before anyone could give him an answer, getting himself to the kitchen as fast as he could. As he pushed open the door he felt a hand on his shoulder. He sighed in relief when he turned around and realized that it wasn't Ryan. It was Troy.

“Hey man,” he said. “Thought you might be able to use a hand in there.”


	14. Chapter 14

"You know at some point we either need to go back in there or start washing dishes," Troy said. They were sitting on the kitchen floor, their backs against the cabinet under the sink.

"Yeah, I know," Chad said. He wasn't sure how long they had been here. Five minutes? Half an hour? They hadn't talked much, which Chad was relieved for. Instead they had been sipping wine from coffee mugs, which were the only clean cups in the house.

"I'm sorry, man," Troy said.

"I guess it's just something I'll have to get used to," Chad said.

"You've just got to make it through the night," Troy said. "And then it's smooth sailing, right? You've done your family time, you should get to spend all of tomorrow with Ryan."

Chad shook his head. "I was going to break up with him," Chad said. "I'm going to break up with him, I mean. I was going to wait until Sunday, but I don't think I can do that anymore."

"Shit," Troy said. "You were serious about the turkey drop?" Chad nodded. "I guess I just didn't realize things were that bad between you two."

"They're not that bad," Chad said, staring into his mug. He hadn't had much to drink, but it was affecting him quickly since he had an empty stomach. "They're just not good." He looked at Troy. "I just don't get how you and Gabriella do it. I mean, I know you're closer than we are. But you're both busy. And somehow you still manage to see each other all the time. You're still, like, the perfect couple. I don't get it."

"We're not the perfect couple," Troy said.

"Don't give me that bullshit," Chad said. "You guys are like, the music in each other or whatever. Even if you're miles apart and all of that. Give me a break."

"We had a big fight like two weeks ago," Troy said. Chad raised an eyebrow. "Seriously. She got upset because I was supposed to go to her presentation and my rehearsal schedule changed last minute so I couldn't. And then I got mad because I felt like she didn't take my show as seriously as my games just because I'm in the chorus. And so we had this massive blowout over the phone. She almost didn't come to Thanksgiving because of it.

"But eventually we both realized that we're just two people stuck in a shitty situation and there's not much we can do about it. Distance sucks. And it makes everything harder. But it doesn't have to totally ruin it. I don't know everything that's going on between you and Ryan, and maybe it is time for you to end it. If you don't want to be with him, you shouldn't stay with him. But I know how you get about things. So don't let that cloud your judgement."

Just then, there was a knock on the door. It creaked open to reveal Ryan's face, pale and confused.

"I'll see you in there, Wildcat," Troy said, giving Chad a pat on the shoulder before standing up and walking towards the door. He held it open for Ryan, who took his place as he left the room. He was close enough that Chad could feel his presence even though they weren't touching.

"So here's the bad news," Ryan said. He was wringing his hands like a washcloth. "Your grandparents definitely know I'm gay."

"What?" Chad asked.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said. "I couldn't keep my mouth shut. And I'm pretty sure they were already suspicious after they remembered me from the senior show. They don't know anything about us, though. All they can hold against you right now is having a gay friend."

"Jesus," Chad said, resting his forehead on top of his knees.

"Yeah," Ryan said. "Dessert might be a bit awkward."

Chad looked up at Ryan. His porcelain skin, with the hint of dark circles right under his eyes. The funny curve of his chin. The look on his face that was always asking a question.

"Ryan, I don't think I can do this anymore," Chad said, carefully.

"Then we'll leave," Ryan said. "Or just go hang out in your room for awhile. You could say you have a headache or something. I'm sure your parents would understand."

"That's not what I mean," Chad said quietly. The calm that the wine had given him had vanished, replaced with queasiness. Why did he have to be the one to do this? He wasn't the one who said things. He never had the right words. This was no exception.

"I know this is hard," Ryan said. "And it's even harder that it's your family. But it's not going to be like this forever. I really believe that." He reached for Chad's hand. Chad pulled it away. "Come to New York with me," Ryan said. "It's different in New York."

"I know it's different in New York," Chad snapped. "You've told me that like a hundred times. But I'm not New York, Ryan. I don't belong there. That's not who I am. So if that's what you want, go find some New York pretty boy. Go ahead and fuck your roommate, if you haven't already."

"Dude, what the hell?" Ryan asked. Chad didn't want to admit to the hurt on Ryan's face. "What the fuck are you even talking about?"

"I know you're sick of me," Chad said, pretending that he wasn't starting to cry. "You live in New York with all of these talented people who get to be gay all the time and I'm your small-town boyfriend who never left home and still has one foot still in the closet. I know that's not what you want. So why are we still together? Why do we keep pretending that we can make this work when you're obviously too good for me?"

"Is that really what you think?" Ryan asked.

"I'm not an idiot," Chad said. "You don't have to keep pretending. It's time to give up."

"Chad," Ryan said. "Chad. That's not how I feel at all. I was pulling back because I thought you were sick of me."

"Please don't do this right now," Chad said.

"I know I talk about New York a lot," Ryan said. "But it's because I love New York. And I'm in New York. And I love you and you're not in New York. And I miss you like crazy all the time. And what is this nonsense about being too good for you? You're on one of the best college basketball teams. You're going to be one of their star players by senior year. I'm just another weird dance kid. If anything, you're too good for me. I don't want anyone else, Chad. I just want to be with you. Only you. Okay?"

Chad took a deep breath. "Okay."

"Do you believe me?" Ryan asked.

Chad tried to figure out the feeling in his stomach. He still felt sick, but his heart rate had calmed down. For the first time in a long time, he actually wanted to touch Ryan. "Maybe," he said.

Ryan took his face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along Chad's cheekbones. He kissed him, cautious at first and then tender. His lips lingered on Chad's moth, his breathing heavy and syncopated. For the first time in forever, he felt comfortable. Every bit of fear and anxiety he had had about Ryan melted away; Ryan's reassuring touch easing all of his concerns.

"Do you believe me now?" Ryan asked. Chad looked into his bright blue eyes and nodded. "So we're good? No need for a turkey drop?" Chad shook his head. "Okay. I love you."

"I love you too," Chad said. It felt good to mean it. He stood up, and gave Ryan a hand. Without a word they walked back to the dining room. At least they were side by side, even if they couldn't be hand in hand. Chad shared a glance with Troy and Gabriella before they took their seats.

"There you are," his grandmother said. "I was worried you were never coming back. Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, Grandma," Chad said. "I'm feeling fine. I'm good, actually. I'm really good."

Ryan's hand reached for Chad's under the table, and he took it. Their fingers intertwined. Maybe it wasn't perfect, but at least they had this.

"Alright everyone," Chad's mother said. "Who's ready for pie?"


End file.
